Tips & Advice
In this section: Dating | Communication | Romance | Romance After Kids
Dating
There's a wealth of research at this point about what works and what doesn't when you're trying to find a partner, but few people actually use this information. I've compiled a few of the best tips, so you can keep them in mind while dating:
Keep it exciting: Decades of research confirm that excitement (physiological arousal) enhances attraction. 
While there's no such thing as a love potion, your date might find you more attractive if you plan novel, exciting activities together. Roller coasters are great if you can swing them, but breath-taking views might be easier to come by. How about a hike in the hills?
Keep it interesting: Show interest if you're the least bit attracted. Despite the pervasive myth we like to chase after people, the actual dating research paints a different picture: no one wants to date people who play hard to get. There's a world of difference between someone who's less available because they have a lot of interests and the flighty guy or gal who feigns indifference. If you really can't make it, or just want to pace things (never a bad idea), at least convey some enthusiasm and excitement. Suggest the next get-together if you can't make a particular day.
Keep it simple: See someone you're attracted to? Don't over think the first connection. If you're attracted to someone and they're attracted to you, all you have to do is make contact. In the research, all clever lines do is weed people out based on whether or not they like a given line. Do you really want to commit yourself to such a limiting first impression? In contrast, in one study, men and women overwhelmingly preferred the simplest line possible: "Hello." On women, it worked 71% of the time; on men, it was a hit 100% of the time.
Just Do It: When researchers look at groups of friends, they’ve found that men and women alike can think of at least one person (sometimes more) that they’d be interested in dating. That means chances are there’s at least one person you already know who’d very likely say if you asked them out. They’re just waiting. So go ahead and ask.
How do I pick a screen name?
Trying to pick a screen name for online dating? Distinctive looks and behaviors are an extremely powerful selection tool: some people will like what they see, and some won’t. So the more distinctive the online name, the more powerful its filtering effect is bound to be.
In that way, screen names are a lot like pick- up lines—and daters should probably take a lesson from what science tells us about clever openers. The single most successful pick-up line for men and women just might be “hello.” And when they work at all, distinctive or corny pick-up line lines say a lot about the personality of the dater they work on.
With online names, it’s probably best to pick something neutral or straightforward and let your date discover who you are the old fashioned way—a good conversation. If you can swing some creativity and come up with a truly humorous name, go for it. Humor’s a turn on for men and women, alike. If you can’t come up with a name that tickles the funny bone, stick with one that’s personally descriptive. Got a favorite band? Go ahead. Call yourself crazyforarcadefire. Just don’t get carried away. Your name might end up doing all the selecting for you—which is fine as long as you’re absolutely clear who it’s attracting (and driving away).
Keep that in mind when you’re considering names like lovinspoonful or sylar.
Should I date if I’m feeling depressed?
For the depressed dater, sorting through possible matches and meeting new people can be a welcome break from darker thoughts and social isolation. The lesson of research on depression—especially severe depression—is “keep moving,” and nothing keeps you quite as socially active as making frequent dates. On the other hand, rejection’s a big part of dating. It takes hard work to find the right partner, and you might have to go through more than a few no’s to find a yes. Before you throw yourself into dating, ask yourself if a rejection would take you to an even darker place.
Here are some tips to help you balance the benefits and the risks of dating while depressed:
1) Pace Yourself: Research suggests that having been through a huge loss or transition makes people more vulnerable to falling in love. So if your depression started after an upsetting event, take your time with dating; watch out for compulsive texting or the rapid introduction of the 12-hour date—even if the other person’s into it. You might already be apt to fall harder and quicker than you normally would, and if you’re really taking care of yourself, you’ll take time to know who you’re falling for.
2) Join Groups: Keep moving, by all means, but bear in mind there are other exciting, positive ways to stay socially active, including joining existing groups (running, movies, etc), where you could make more friends as well as meet potential partners—and beefing up your support network can only help your confidence when you decide to date.
3) Stay Active: If you decide to date, and you’re still recovering from depression, make exercise a regular part of your routine. Besides the growing evidence that exercise helps reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, and every day stress, keep in mind the simple fact that you’ll feel more confident if you’re staying in shape—and a boost to your esteem might be just the thing you need to pull out of a bad place and meet the right partner.
4) Consider Waiting: If you’re recently depressed, you might want to wait before dating. You can always step up your social activity in other ways, like joining activity groups, and if you start now, there’s always the risk that people aren’t meeting you, but the depressed you. If you can wait until you’re feeling a little more resilient, your dates will get to know all of you, instead of just the depressed part, and you’ll also feel more resilient in the face of inevitable dating rejections.
5) Use Graduated Disclosure: Approach disclosing your feelings of depression as you would any other personal experience; don’t tell a date until you know you can trust them with the information. Graduated disclosure involves sharing a bit of personal information to test out how supportive or responsive someone can be—and you’ll find plenty to share before you need to share that you’ve been depressed. Find out who you’re with before you spill, to avoid facing hurtful reactions that could make you feel worse.
