(Even more impressive than starting in the 700’s is breaking the 10,000 mark)
OK, so this one does require a few words, but not many. For some reason, the last few posts generated curiosity about how to preserve harmony when you just want to say no. It’s true—being able to say no is an important relationship skill, in and of itself, so here are some quick thoughts.
Many people confuse assertiveness with rudeness. Don’t make the same mistake. If you’re looking to become more assertive, and want to start saying no, you’ll want to keep a few things in mind:
1) Use “no” as a last resort. A lot of books recommend learning to say no. It’s far more important to learn to say, “I’d like to think about it.” It’s rare that someone needs an answer right away (how many emergency yes or no questions are there?), so you have a right to think about what works best for you. Exercise that right. If pressed you can always say, “if you need an answer now, then I have to say no, because I’d rather not commit if I’m not sure.”
2) Say no graciously. If you’re feeling truly empowered, you don’t need to shoot people down to take care of yourself. If no is the answer, you can always say, “I really wish I could, but I can’t.”
3) Start with what you can do, not what you can’t. It softens the blow of an outright no to lead off with something you’re able to say yes to. So think about what you are willing to agree to and offer that first: “I can help you with unpacking next weekend. I just wouldn’t be able to help you move tomorrow. “
4) Watch out for “Why nots?” Your no should be sufficient, and someone who presses for more is really being rude. Prepare ahead of time to say something like, “I just can’t do it.” Even if it’s because you have a massage appointment, if you’re taking your own needs and self-care seriously, that really means you can’t. You shouldn’t have to explain why.
If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress.