Trying to stand up for yourself? Remember your A, B, C’s.
I’ve already shared my perspective on the art of saying no. It’s probably one of the most important social skills you can master. But proper assertiveness statements--part of a broader class of assertive communication techniques--tend to come in handy across situations, and along with the gentle limit-setting of a gracefully delivered no, they can help you draw clearer boundaries around your relationships. In the end, everyone benefits from this. You’ll have a much easier time maintaining your integrity, self-esteem and sometimes safety, and your friends, partners, and dates have an easier time getting to know who you really are.
Here in lies the rub. Most people don’t really know how to assert themselves. They confuse assertiveness with aggression, leave out important steps, or misuse assertiveness language altogether.
Some of the more egregious examples I’ve seen:
“When you forget to ask me how I’m feeling, I just feel like I’m living with a jerk. Why can’t you stop being so insensitive?”
“I feel like you’re deliberately ignoring me, as usual”
“I’m sorry you felt hurt when I called you a lard-ass”
(OK, this last one’s not really mishandled assertiveness. It’s from a New Yorker cartoon—a hilarious lampooning of the faux-apology, but not too far from the kind of halfhearted attempts I’ve seen before. Might be worthy of another post.)
Common Errors (and Easy Fixes)
First, the Don’ts:
Don’t assume that sticking “I feel” at the beginning or end of a statement means you’ve stated your feelings or asserted yourself:
“I feel like you’re a lousy listener when you just say uh-huh all the time.”
Better: "I don’t feel listened to when all I hear is uh-huh."
Don’t embed accusations:
“I feel like you’re trying to start a fight.”
Better: "I’m getting tense about our conversation".
Don’t interpret behaviors (that is, don't tell people what their intention really is):
I think you didn't call me last weekend because you don't care about me.
Better: “I’m really hurt that I didn't hear from you all weekend.”
The A, B, C’s of Assertiveness
Now, the Do's:
A) Use the word ‘ I’ as often as possible:
“I’m hurt that you haven’t asked me how my day was yet. I’m feeling a little shut down.”
Even better—“I start to shut down when I'm not asked how my day was.”
This last statement is an example of advanced assertiveness. It takes practice. People just feel less defensive when they don’t hear the word you. It keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change, making it harder to feel attacked—a great deescalation technique. Strive for it, but don’t get too stuck if you can’t come up with a “you-less” statement. You shouldn’t always have to work so hard to be heard. If you stick to describing your own feelings and the events you're reacting to, you've already done your part to keep things civil.
B) Describe the hurtful/problematic behavior:
"I get scared when you raise your voice (or I get scared around raised voices)."
"I feel sad when you don’t say anything to me after I share a story (or I feel sad when I hear no response to what I’ve just said)."
"When I hear, 'you never do anything around here!' I just feel demoralized", (an example of simply repeating events or statements, the most efficient way to steer clear of potentially inflammatory interpretations like “you’re just trying to bait me.”)
"I get defensive when you approach me with, "why did you do that!".
C) Ask for something:
Proper assertiveness always includes a request of some kind. This makes perfect sense when you keep in mind the ultimate goal of assertiveness: constructive change.
Roughly speaking, change techniques can be divided into two categories: self-change strategies and other (people) change strategies. Most of my talk free-relationship fixes are self-change strategies. Proper assertiveness straddles the two approaches, combining self-change strategies (you might need to calm down before you say anything at all) with a clear request for change.
Most people forget to ask for something, but without a request, you’re merely describing your feelings—a good start, but if you want things to change, you’ll probably need to provide a little guidance. Don’t ever assume that someone knows what to say or do differently to make you feel better. More often than not, hurtful behaviors stem from lack of skill and knowledge, and you might need to teach people how you prefer to be treated.
Some examples of full assertiveness statements, elaborating on the previous examples:
I get scared when there’s yelling. I could talk more comfortably if you’d lower your voice.
I feel sad when there’s no response to what I've said. I feel better when you ask me a question or just tell me what you think.
I feel defensive when you say, "Why did you do that?” If you’re upset, I’d prefer if you’d just say you’re angry.
I start to shut down when I'm not asked how my day was. I feel closer to you when you ask me about my day.
(This last example is another advanced technique. Rather than putting the emphasis on what someone hasn’t done, the speaker asks for more of what they have (with the face-saving implication that sometimes the listener even gets it right). If you’d like to learn more about this read Catch Your Partner Being Good.
Putting the do’s together, you now have a simple strategy for maintaining the assertiveness structure across all situations:
I feel A (feeling) when you do B (action). I'd feel better if C (request).
OR (the You-less statement)
I feel A when B happens. I'd feel better if C.
Example: I'm hurt that you're walking away from me in the middle of my sentence. I'd feel better if you stayed until I finish.
There you have it: the A,B,C’s of assertiveness. Don’t worry if it all feels a little clumsy at first, or you find yourself speaking more slowly. Slow is good. Having to think about what you’re about to say helps deescalate potential conflicts. You’ll find if you keep this simply structure in mind, the technique gets easier and easier. Just keep practicing. Soon you'll be rattling off assertiveness statements as easily as the alphabet.
If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress.