Talk-Free Relationship Fix #735: Catch Your Partner Being Good
Thursday, June 17, 2010 at 11:40AM You’re probably already acquainted with “I” statements and assertiveness skills, but did you know there’s a research-proven way to improve your relationship, even at the earliest, dating stage, without any conversation at all? In fact, sometimes it works without anyone having to utter a single word (hint: it’s not hypnosis or subliminal suggestion).
(From this point forward, all my tips will be numbered. I’ll share them in no particular order. I’m reasonably certain I have about 10,000 floating around in my head—give or take 9,900 or so—but I’ve noticed it lends far more credibility to a post or article to start somewhere in the vicinity of the 700’s.)
I promise to post my take on assertiveness language (and even an easy formula for remembering it), but there’s something you need to know first: “I” statements have their limits.
No matter how nicely you say you feel hurt or upset by something your partner did, even gently phrased negative feedback can be hard to hear. Harder still is hearing a laundry list of what you’ve done wrong. When resentment builds to the point that you face a litany of complaints—or find yourself firing off a list of your own—sometimes discussing what’s wrong just makes things worse. The main problem: you’ll have a harder time seeing what’s right—and then you really miss an opportunity to make things better.
Catch the Good (Don’t Chase the Bad)
Nick and Kim, co-owners of a successful pizza parlor, had both learned the art of assertiveness language. Kim, in her 30’s, came from a highly educated, old money New England family, firmly rooted in their ways through years of success and fortune. Nick’s family had been less fortunate. His father worked odd jobs; his mother worked part time. Every day was a struggle, and one of Nick’s most vivid memories involved helping both his parents get pumped up for their new job interviews—picking the very best clothes, rehearsing every possible answer—all in the same, whirlwind afternoon. He felt proud of his cheerleading efforts—and with good reason: they usually worked. In contrast, Kim, like her family, remained firmly convinced that hard work should be it’s own reward. Praise never came easily to her. She was a grudging recipient, and rarely, if ever, offered it to others.
Which is why Nick, despite all Kim’s efforts at making clear requests, had barely changed at all.
Kim sat in our meeting, steely-eyed and perplexed, waiting for Nick to explain why he kept forgetting to ask how her day had been. “I feel hurt when I’m not asked how things went at the end of a long day. I need you to ask me without my always having to prompt you.”
Nick looked sad for a moment: “I just never feel like I’ve done a good enough job.”
I took this as sign. “Kim?” I said quietly, attempting to model a softer challenge. “How often do you point out when Nick does ask?”
“Why should I have to?”
“You don’t,” I agreed. “Unless you actually want him ask you more often.”
Kim had used by the book assertiveness—and admirably so. Unfortunately, Nick needed to hear about more than just his missteps. He also needed to hear when he’d gotten it right.
When Good Feedback Goes Bad
Negative feedback (hearing when we’ve done something wrong) is rarely easy. It triggers all kinds of unpleasant feelings: shame, guilt, anxiety—to name just a few. We feel caught when we hear it. We feel called out. In short, we feel punished.
Worse still, criticism, however softly delivered, often becomes punishment in the guise of effective communication. Notice Kim’s use of “always”—a logical impossibility (I’d even seen Nick ask her about her day in session, without my prompting). Rattling off all Nick’s failures served as punishment for some earlier slight Kim considered far too petty to mention. Instead of asking for something she didn’t feel entitled to get, she focused on Nick’s failure to provide something she did—and, as result, she hardly ever got what she really wanted.
The problem is research already shows that punishment is a terrible way to change behavior. It’s not just that it doesn’t work (it’s best for stopping unwanted behavior, not encouraging new ones). It sometimes makes things worse. If people feel the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, they become resentful—and less likely to give you want you want. Nick never felt good getting it right. He just felt bad getting it wrong.
My first job involved helping Kim feel authorized to ask for things Nick couldn’t possibly guess she wanted (and she, herself, deemed too childish to expect), but my second, more important one turned out to be as challenging as it was simple: I had to teach her to reinforce Nick when he got it right.
Change Your Partner, One Success at a Time
While it’s true that people rarely change unless they want to, it’s also true that everyone likes to feel good. That simple fact equips us all with the most powerful relationship-improvement tool available: positive reinforcement.
Positive reinforcement, in which a given behavior is followed immediately by a reward, is one of the most effective ways to change behavior. It works without words. It works with or without your knowledge. It even works on psychologists! (so if you like this post send plenty of compliments)
Kim started having great conversations with Nick about her day because she eventually took my lesson to heart. She kissed him, held his hand, or gave him a big hug whenever he said, “So how’d it go today?” She stopped commenting at all when he forgot, instead glancing at a notebook I encouraged her to keep that marked all the days he’d remembered to ask (as a side note, I also encouraged her to share whether she’d been asked or not—more on that in another post). Seeing the good outweigh the bad softened the blow a little—and the space it provided gave Nick, himself, time to catch the oversight. More often than not, after Kim let a few beats go by, Nick brought it up anyway: “I’m sorry,” he’d say. “I haven’t asked you how things went for you. How’d it go?”
Want to see your partner shine? Pour on the attention and praise when he or she gets it right: I love it when you… (hold my hand, ask me about my day, take out the trash, kiss me when I get it right, etc). Better yet, silently offer a hug or kiss right after each success. Remember: you don’t need to say a thing for reinforcement to work its magic.
You’ll find you get what you want far more frequently over time than you ever did with complaints.
Note: although the situation I’ve described is extremely common, the couple described is a composite—a blend of many people and problems to illustrate my point. All identifying information has been disguised and/or altered.
If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress.
Reader Comments (11)
This approach is something I am trying to carrying into my work relationships as well. Thanks!
I'm so glad to have read this. Not only am I forgetting to praise or thank my husband for when he "gets it right." I think I also tend to expect him to thank me for doing things around the house but I don't thank him nearly enough for the things he does.
Will this help with my toddler too? I hope so.
@Busta Move
Actually, many of these ideas are drawn from parenting research. Toddlers and adults, alike, respond far better to rewards than punishment, so "catch your child being good" is a popular maxim in the parenting literature, http://www.amazon.com/Why-cant-Catch-Being-Good/dp/1580622739.
Go ahead and look for a moment to say yeah! when you're toddler gets it right, too.
I have a lot of trouble saying no to my spouse some times. What would you recommend?
Me too. I have the same trouble as busta
I'm going to throw my vote in with c bunny and busta - could you address the topic of 'how to say no' when the "catch em being good" strategy doesn't cover it? thanks!
Hi All,
I'm guessing this came up for busta (I assume it's OK to call you by your first name) because of info through the assertiveness links. It seems to have piqued some interest, and it's a great topic, so I'll plan to post a short article about saying no next.
Sound good?
[...] more impressive than starting in the 700’s is breaking the 10,000 [...]
[...] (This last example is another advanced technique. Rather than putting the emphasis on what someone hasn’t done, the speaker asks for more of what they have (with the face-saving implication that sometimes the listener even gets it right). If you’d like to learn more about this read Catch Your Partner Being Good. [...]
This is a great post about assertiveness Dr.Craig. We will be sharing it on our Facebook page.