Romance on the Road: Part Two
Thursday, September 16, 2010 at 07:37PM Or Talk Free Relationship Fix 12,005: Feelings First
Couples have some of their worst fights in the car—and if you’ve spent any time at all on the road (or read my previous posts), you already knew this. In Keeping Love Alive in the Passenger Seat, I explored how a simple fight can often mask deeper existential and relational anxieties. But there are other, equally powerful factors that can fuel a car fight.
Pick a subject, any subject. Once you enter the space of a car, even the most neutral conversation can become puzzlingly fraught (seriously, is it really possible to resolve the argument about which is better: Bob’s Big Boy or Denny’s? I’ll settle it right now. The answer is neither. Just keep driving until you see a really awesome truck stop with “Fresh Pie” spelled out in groovy, oversized 1960’s fonts—and if you see one that says “fresh ‘pi’ and burgers by the sack” you’re really in business). Still, I’m reasonably certain that if we took a survey, right now, about which fight is the most frequent, one subject would stand out above all the others as biggest source of conflict.
I’m speaking, of course, of the universally feared directional dispute (a subspecies of the dreaded car fight).
As you can probably already guess, this fight often has nothing at all to do with who’s the better navigator. It rarely even has anything to do with who’s right and who’s wrong.
Nick and Kim Find Their Way Home
Kim was at her wit’s end. We were now half way through the meeting, and she’d already appealed to me, in any number of ways, to settle the argument for them. So far, I’d remained stubbornly professional about it all.
“I really can’t tell you who’s got the best navigational sense, and I’m not sure that’s what this is about.” (I neglected to mention that, even if I wanted to, I couldn’t rule on who had the best map skills because my navigational instinct is about as refined as my fashion sense. Luckily, therapeutic neutrality also happened to be the most fruitful approach to their impasse.)
“What is it about then?” She looked at Nick, flashing a smile that gave me hope they’d finally stop bickering.
He took the opening. “I just don’t see what the hurry is. What’s the big deal taking the side roads instead of the highway sometimes?” He seemed pleased with his answer. (“Oh, crap,” I thought. “That’s his answer?”)
“You see, “ Kim said. He goes whatever way he wants. That’s what’s so upsetting. He doesn’t trust me to get us home safely.”
“Well, I offered,” it isn’t always about getting somewhere in the quickest time. If you’re not in a hurry, maybe Nick has reasons of his own for going a different route even if it takes longer.” (Might as well try again.)
“Like what?” She looked at Nick again.
He took a deep breath. “OK, well, you want to know the real reason?” He paused again, as though rallying his strength, and fixed his eyes on a far corner of the office, concentrating. Then, after a time, he started to speak.
“My parents used to take me to this playground. They’d bring fruit and sandwiches and soda. We'd spend all day. They’d watch. I’d play. That route—that’s where the playgrounds used to be. It’s all gone now, empty lots. But I like to see it. I like to remember."
“And that,” I pointed out, “somehow didn’t seem like a good enough reason—to go a different route because it reminded you of happier times?”
“I didn’t think she’d accept it.”
“Do you?” I asked.
Kim smiled. She seemed visibly moved. The stern look she’d had, only moments ago, seemed to melt away, and her eyes glistened.“Couldn’t you just tell me?”
“You’ve been having the wrong argument,” I observed. “How often do you end up fighting over the right or wrong way to do something—not just the quickest route home—when the whole conflict could have been avoided altogether by saying what you want. Is it ever OK to just say, “ I know this isn’t the best way or fastest way, but I enjoy it?”
Fight-Busting Tip: Feelings First
Nick and Kim fought about all kinds of things: the right directions, the best way to chop vegetables, the fastest way to clean, the quickest routes through traffic. Yet in that one, hour-half-hour conversation (where I heard more emotional content from Nick than I’d ever heard in previous meetings), we’d suddenly landed in brand new territory, moving from the rhetoric of logic and proof, black and white, right and wrong, to the power and primacy of emotional experience. As a couple, they’d just paved the way for other, more productive routes through arguments, where each partner could articulate the feelings informing their choice. Nick and Kim still had arguments, and they didn’t always agree, but now at least they had the option to settle disputes by checking each other’s emotional state. They'd just learned another kind of question, quite apart from who’s right: Is this about how you feel?
If you’re stuck squabbling over the right way to do things, take a moment and ask yourself if you’re trying to justify what you want instead of just stating what you want (or like). Partners shouldn’t always have to prove that their preference makes the most sense or demonstrates the greatest degree of accuracy and efficiency. If you care about someone, you can also make and entertain choices based on how you both feel. If you’re not in a hurry, the quickest way doesn’t always make sense. Each choice comes with a different experience, whether its slowly sweeping while listening to you’re favorite music, meandering through sides roads to linger over familiar landscapes, or cleaning the dinnerware carefully in soothing warm water, even though there’s a dishwasher sitting right next to you (to name just a few I’ve heard). Just don’t try to argue your way is the way. That’s a dead end.
Some of our most important decisions are often rooted in preference and meaning instead of logic and reason. You can avoid a lot of fights if you feel comfortable saying “because it would mean a lot to me to do it this way,” instead of trying to convince your partner your way is the best. S/he may not always want to go along for the ride, but at least you won’t be stuck in the wrong conversation.
Note: although the situation I’ve described is extremely common, the couple described is a composite—a blend of many people and problems to illustrate my point. All identifying information has been disguised and/or altered.
If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress.
Reader Comments (3)
"Feelings First!" I'm going to have to start making bumper stickers out of all the great tag lines you come up with :-) Thanks!
[...] true of a lot of problem behaviors–for more examples, see: Romance on the Road, Part I and Part II, Why Your Neighbor is Your Next True Love, and info on my book about controlling [...]
I'll look for the stickers! Thanks for reading.