One of the Top Questions I’m Asked: Answered Below
Thursday, October 14, 2010 at 07:53PM I’ve lost count of the number of clients and journalists who’ve asked me this one:
Should people date while depressed?
At a glance, the number last year looks like ten times from the press, alone, (eleven if you count, “Should people date while unemployed?”—in some ways, a variation on the same question, considering how often unemployment seems to coincide with depression).
I have no hard and fast rule about this. It really depends on your situation. Nevertheless, I’ve discussed the question often enough that I decided it might make sense to post an answer. So here goes.
For the depressed dater, sorting through possible matches and meeting new people can be a welcome break from darker thoughts and social isolation. The lesson of research on depression—especially severe depression—is “keep moving,” and nothing keeps you quite as socially active as making frequent dates. On the other hand, rejection is a big part of dating. It's hard work finding the right partner, and you might have to sift through more than a few no’s to find a yes. Before you throw yourself into dating, ask yourself if a rejection would take you to an even darker place.
Here are some tips to help you balance the benefits and the risks of dating while depressed:
1) Pace Yourself: Research suggests that going through a huge loss or transition makes people more vulnerable to falling in love. So if your depression started after an upsetting event, take your time with dating; watch out for compulsive texting or the rapid introduction of the 12-hour date—even if the other person is into it. You might already be apt to fall harder and quicker than you normally would, and if you’re really taking care of yourself, you’ll take time to know who you’re falling for.
2) Join Groups: Keep moving, by all means, but bear in mind there are other exciting, positive ways to stay socially active, including joining existing groups (running, movies, etc), where you could make more friends as well as meet potential partners—and beefing up your support network can only help your confidence when you decide to date.
3) Stay Active: If you decide to date, and you’re still recovering from depression, make exercise a regular part of your routine. Besides the growing evidence that exercise helps reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, and everyday stress, keep in mind the simple fact that you’ll feel more confident if you’re staying in shape—and a boost to your esteem might be just the thing you need to pull out of a bad place and meet the right partner.
4) Consider Waiting: If you’re recently depressed, you might want to wait before dating. You can always step up your social activity in other ways, like joining activity groups, and if you start now, there’s always the risk that people aren’t meeting you, but the depressed you. If you can wait until you’re feeling a little more resilient, your dates will get to know all of you, instead of just the depressed part, and you’ll also feel more resilient in the face of inevitable dating rejections.
5) Use Graduated Disclosure: Approach disclosing your feelings of depression as you would any other personal experience; don’t tell a date until you know you can trust them with the information. Graduated disclosure involves sharing a bit of personal information to test out how supportive or responsive someone can be—and you’ll find plenty to share before you need to share that you’ve been depressed. Find out who you’re with before you spill, to avoid facing hurtful reactions that could make you feel worse.
If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress.
Disclaimer: As with an advice column, these suggestions should never take the place of consulting directly and formally with a professional about any of your concerns. If you’re in a great deal of distress, always schedule an appointment with a doctor, health care provider, or mental health professional, to help determine how best to proceed.
Reader Comments (3)
"you" vs. "the depressed you" is a good benchmark I can use. I don't know that I'd want to be with the type of guy the 'depressed me' would attract :-) thanks!
This is really great advice. I don't think I want to expend energy trying to sort through relationship issues when I am not really feeling that good about myself. Also, finding someone quick (but not right) could just cause more trouble down the road. Thanks Dr. Malkin. I really appreciate all the advice.
Good points, Busta and Jennifer. A big part of dating and relationship success has to do with being clearer about your choices; it's good that you're both reflecting on what those choices mean.