Shacking up without Breaking Up: Eight Steps You Should Take before Moving in Together
Thursday, July 22, 2010 at 01:34PM Living together can kick off a rich, new phase in your relationship. It can also spell the end of things if you’re not careful.
You’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it— the pros and the cons: Loves eggplant and Joss Whedon—check. Good communicator—check. Organizational skills of a three-year-old with Attention Deficit Disorder—mostly minus (in fairness, the initial glow of infatuation might be raising your threshold for chaos a bit).
Or maybe you’ve spent a lot of time not thinking about it (another common strategy): I really need to do some soul-searching about this next step in our relationship…hmmm . Ooh look! Monkeys playing polo on Discovery!
Either way, the big move means big changes. So here are eight tips to keep in mind before you start looking for cute little apartments in the hip, new NoSo District (I made it up, but there’s probably one somewhere)
1) Consider how much you’re willing to pay for a live-in partner. If you think you’ll feel resentful picking up your partner’s financial slack, then don’t choose a place beyond their means. If you truly want to live together and you want a nice place, then realize you’re choosing to subsidize your partner so you can have both. That’s your choice—and you don’t have to make it.
2) Openly assess the choice. If your partner insists on paying more than you can afford, then say, “OK, but let’s agree, right now, that if you start feeling resentful about money, we’ll know it’s not working.” This reminds your partner that s/he can’t offer to pay and feel resentful. In fact, you’ve now agreed that any financial resentment means you should consider a new arrangement altogether—either separate places or one you can both afford.
3) Run trials. If possible, plan to spend at least a month in each other’s place. Your habits will vary, depending on how much you feel like you’re in your own space. Trials give you a chance to see how each of you truly lives—when you’re feeling at home and when you’re not (and you’re likely to feel a mix of both at first).
4) Pick your battles. Living with a partner involves negotiation, but it shouldn’t be constant. If little, low-impact quirks (cap on the tooth paste, anyone?) are getting on your nerves, consider solutions that don’t depend on your partner changing (you can buy a tube with the cap attached now). Bear in mind, you probably have a thousand quirks of your own that your partner may have to adjust to, so don’t ask for changes unless your prepared to work on some yourself.
5) Have the hard conversations—now. If you have concerns about cleanliness, chores, general upkeep, or even who’s welcome when you’re not there, you’d better talk now. If you’re afraid this will create tension, then think twice about living together. You’ll have to face the problems sooner or later, whether you talk about them or not, so if they’re a deal-breaker, your silence won’t save the relationship.
6) Name your contribution. When it comes to chores, we’re often blind to what others do and acutely aware of our own contribution. To make matters worse, some chores are less visible than others (dusting and vacuuming sometimes go unnoticed.) So decide what you want to do and state out loud or record on paper what you’ve done. If one of you prioritizes less visible chores, then at least they won’t go unnoticed.
7) Stake a claim. If you’re moving into your partner’s place, think about (and then discuss) how you might put your own, personal stamp on the place—some new items, some decoration, a desk, etc. If you encounter resistance, pay close attention: how is this going to be a shared space if you can’t bring something of yourself to it?
8) Maintain your independence. Moving in shouldn’t mean you stop living independently. Lose what you enjoy, and you lose yourself. Separate experiences and friendships are what make you unique, so keep them in your life after the move.
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Reader Comments (3)
Pick your battles is an important one when you move in and a more important one with a toddler.
I”m not in a relationship right now but I am moving in with new roomies this fall and this looks like it will be very handy! I will suggest we have the “hard conversations” up front. Thanks!
Sun with shades is cool. Thanks for the insights. Maybe my college roommates will be better if I do this...