Jealousy, interrupted.

It fuels suspense in the greatest novels. It’s a motive for murder. It even has its own color.

Jealousy—the green-eyed monster. Taming it’s not easy, but you’ll find it’s a lot easier if you know what keeps it alive (that’s true of a lot of problem behaviors--for more examples, see: Romance on the Road, Part I and Part II, Why Your Neighbor is Your Next True Love, and info on my book about controlling attraction).

Dictionary.com defines jealousy as:

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3.vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

This definition hardly gets at the visceral, soul-rending nature of jealousy. Jealous partners feel out of control, hopeless, helpless, small, enraged, and terrified (often of themselves). They pace. They scream. They collapse and rage some more (even if silently).  Their self-esteem, their work, and even their self-care suffers—and if jealous behaviors go unchecked, so does their relationship.

Laura and the Green-Eyed Monster

Laura first arrived at my office, years ago, at the very start of spring—a time of renewal and hope for many, but sadly, not for her. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt at peace.

Earlier that year, she’d discovered that her partner of 7 years, Billy, had been having an affair. They were now in couple’s therapy (she’d been referred to me by her therapist), and they’d already started making some really important changes. Billy had become more open and less distant. Laura had returned to taking care of herself (at first, she’d let regular meals and exercise fall away, so much so that one friend, startled by her appearance, eventually told her she looked ill. It was that comment that sent her into a flurry of activity back in January, calling one clinic after another until she found a couples therapist who could see them the very next day). For all their progress, though, one problem remained: Laura was, by her own description, “insanely jealous.”

Lately, snooping had become her primary hobby. She hacked into her boyfriend’s e-mail and read all his correspondence. She regularly reviewed phone bills and browser histories. On more than one occasion, she’d even followed Billy around for a full afternoon. That was a good weekend. When things got really bad, she called and texted him compulsively, as if by locating his exact position in time and space, she could prevent him from ever straying again. All of this had the predictable effect: her boyfriend, Billy, had grown frustrated, and Laura feared she’d only made matters worse.

Laura had lost control, but not because Billy had strayed. All her feelings were completely normal and predictable; even her detective work and penchant for interrogation are common, normal responses for a partner who’s been cheated on. Laura’s real troubles stemmed from the fact that, to preserve her sense of relational and emotional safety, she’d come to rely almost entirely on her own investigative behaviors. In fact, without realizing it, she’d actually become addicted to jealous actions. Far from slaying or even taming the green-eyed monster, Laura had turned it into a companion. Leaving her destructive habits behaviors behind would require far more demanding work than compulsive texting or cyber-stalking. In the end, Laura had to restore control by giving it up.

Jealous is as Jealous Does

When a partner cheats, we feel a deep sense of betrayal, but the pain goes well beyond (and strikes far deeper) than a simple break in trust. Suddenly, the world is not right.  Things are not as they seem. Where once words and actions seemed innocent, now they’re fraught with deeper meaning that has yet to be discovered—carefully disguised clues to a hidden motive or a closely-guarded secret (Is she trying to get me out of the apartment? What did he mean by “seeing a friend”? Why is her shirt ruffled like that?). Infidelity robs you of the capacity to take events at face value and still know everything’s fine.  After all, you fell for it once. Why fall for it again?

This profound loss of control over emotional security leads to a single, predictable solution: a desperate attempt to win back control—which is where the jealous behaviors come in.

“What do you gain,” I once asked Laura, “when you play detective (her words)?”

“The truth.” She seemed unconvinced even as she said it.

“Do you really?  You gain all the facts and details about his life and where he’s been, but do you know if he cares about you; if he longs to be with you? What about that truth?”

Most people in Laura’s state of mind don’t see jealous control for the sham it is. There’s no lasting reassurance in detective work. Investigations are about regaining control. By gathering information and peering into someone’s life, you’re seeking to protect your emotional safety entirely through your own actions. Each search is an attempt to unearth that confirming or disconfirming piece of evidence that proves you can finally relax (or call it quits). Each episode of hacking or stalking is an attempt to wrest back the control over your emotional wellbeing by telling yourself that now, at last, you know everything you need to know to feel safe again (even though that’s impossible, of course).

True trust—enduring trust— comes from a deeper sense of connection and mutual emotional involvement. It comes from knowing that when push comes to shove, your partner will consider your needs and feelings—including the need for reassurance.

This last bit’s important, so I’ll say a little more. We all feel insecure now and then, even without infidelity lurking in the background. We wonder if we’re good enough, smart enough, attractive enough. We wonder if our partner could find someone better.  In that sense, post-infidelity repair (or any cure for the jealous impulse) always involves asking some version of the same question: if I ask you to reassure me—show me you love me, long for me, really want to be with me—will you?

Notice that detective work is an attempt to dodge this question all together. It provides an illusory sense of security precisely because it asks nothing more from your partner beyond a list of facts—and very often, you don’t even need their assistance in gathering the information; in fact, half the time, jealous controls don’t rely on your partner at all—which is what makes them so seductive. They offer the hope that you never have to rely on anyone again (especially your partner) to answer the question: what’s really going on here? With the help of the right tools and a few well-placed questions, you can put the answer entirely in your hands—quite literally.

There’s only one problem: it’s the wrong question. For you to feel secure, you don’t need a list of facts; you need to know your partner loves you and wants to be with you. You need an emotional experience that only your partner can give—direct reassurance when you feel insecure about their love. If you’re relying on jealous controls, you’ll never get that.

And it gets worse. Over time, jealous controls make you feel more and more insecure.

Never forget that jealous outbursts wear on your partner. They erode trust and closeness and eventually drive even the most patient partner to secrets. Faced with a spate of questions, your partner may become loath to speak, let alone share information. Frequent interrogation can make anyone feel bullied, and hounded—which leads, inevitably, to an attempt to hide. Unfortunately, all that hiding just takes you further and further from the reassurance you really need: that your partner loves you and wants to be with you.

When Laura felt insecure, all she had to do was pick up the phone, and she knew where Billy was. When she felt a pang of jealousy, an hour poring over phone records could put her mind at ease (temporarily anyway). She controlled every bit of information she could about Billy and whom he’d been with and what he’d done—all the information except whether or not he loved her. That, of course, she never found— until I taught her to start looking for it again.

Laura Tames the Green Eyed Monster

Below, I’ve detailed some of the steps in Laura’s plan for regaining control over her jealous actions. You’ll notice I said actions, not feelings. Your jealous feelings might continue for a while, but they aren’t the problem. It’s the toll that jealous action takes on your self-esteem and feelings of security—that’s the true problem. Over time, the feelings even become milder—if, that is, you don’t keep feeding the monster.



Laura’s Plan for Managing Jealousy:

1.  Fess up

You need to talk directly about jealousy to prevent and manage it. If you don’t say it, you’ll show it—which can mean all kinds of accusations and snooping. Share your feelings without hurling accusations. Make clear requests: “I’m feeling a little insecure. I think I’d feel better if we firm up our plans so I can look forward to time with you”. Request specific actions that help you feel more secure like planning calls or sharing more about his experiences during the day. The more connected you are, the less jealous you’ll feel.

2.  Manage stress

Jealousy is a stress response-which means if you’re already anxious and overwhelmed, you’re likely to feel it even more intensely. Before you look to your partner for reassurance, make sure you’re doing your part to manage anxiety with exercise, good nutrition, meditation or yoga, and plenty of supports. Sometimes the green-eyed monster settles down when you plan a little self-care.

3. Ask for reassurance

If you feel suspicious, use ‘I-statements’: “I feel a little jealous about your time with her. Can we talk a little about your relationship?” If that sounds too risky, remember, you’re already feeling insecure. Better to say it than show it with accusations and angry distance. If there’s nothing going on, it shouldn’t be a big deal to talk about it—anymore than it would be to discuss time with his other friends. If you do this, be sure you model the same transparency about your own relationships. Avoid making demands or hurling accusations—more attempts at control. Instead, say something like, “I get a little insecure when you talk about having a great time with these other guys (or girls). I think it’d help me if we touched base after you go to the party—maybe in the morning if it’s too late when you get back?”

4. But ask in moderation

If you always have to ask about time with friends to get any information at all, it might be a red-flag. If things are innocent, your partner should routinely volunteer information. You shouldn’t have to keep asking. The more open you are about your relationships (and the more open he is about his) the less jealous you’ll both feel.

5. Know your limits

If you worry day and night or fire off insecure e-mails on a daily basis, then consider taking a break. When no amount of direct reassurance helps, or you just can’t talk openly about insecurities, it’s a signal that the relationship may not be for you.

Laura wanted to make sure she’d understood me correctly. “So you’re saying when I’m jealous, I should tell Billy, I’m feeling a little insecure and ask for something, like a hug, or a phone call after a party, or to make plans to be with me?”

“ Yes.”

“That feel so risky” “Won’t he feel controlled?”

“You’re trading accusation and investigation for something far more direct. You’re asking him if he can help you feel more secure by doing things that help you feel close. That’s the only way you’ll get rid of these behaviors. The closer you feel to him, the less you’ll even need jealous control to feel better. Connection is the cure for jealousy.”

What Laura learned is that the more directly she asked for what he needed, and the closer she felt to Billy, the less she needed the green-eyed monster at all. She beat her addiction to jealous action by asking for what she needed when she felt anxious instead of trying to control her way to security.

Want to regain control, like Laura? Learn to ask for reassuring gestures of connection and caring. If you can’t rely on your partner for reassurance, especially after infidelity, you’ll rely on jealous controls instead—and then you’re really hooked.

Note: although the situation I’ve described is extremely common, the couple described is a composite—a blend of many people and problems to illustrate my point. All identifying information has been disguised and/or altered.

If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress. 

Comments

[Laura]

Craig, was this an older blog? I thought I've read it before, but enjoyed it again nonetheless. I'm not the title character am I? (just kidding!!) hi to all and kisses to the girls!