Talk-Free Relationship Fix #56: Self-Care
Friday, November 12, 2010 at 02:02PM Want to improve your relationship? Run.
Not away, of course. I just mean go for a run.
In an earlier post, I wrote about the importance of knowing when to end a conversation. Sometimes, more talk isn’t the best solution to your romantic troubles.
When I posted that article, I was already drawing on the considerable evidence that being in a high stress (“fight or flight”) state while discussing your relationship usually does more harm than good. This week I’ve been thinking a lot about some of the latest stress response research I heard cited at a conference a few weeks ago.
If the evidence seemed strong a year or two ago, it’s just plain overwhelming now. Speaker after speaker at the conference reviewed the research—much of it drawing on findings at the Harvard Medical School-affiliated, Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine—that stress is bad for our relationships.
It isn’t just that we take stress out on the people closest to us; the news is actually worse than that: far more dangerous than the inevitable finger pointing is our tendency to lose our minds when we get really worked up.
The more anxious or angry you feel, the more a little part of your brain called the amygdala begins to take over. As soon as it does, your frontal lobe goes more or less off-line—and with it all your powers of clarity and higher reasoning go out the window.
As unfair as all this might seem to a troubled couple, when it comes to basic survival, it makes perfect sense. The amygdala probably emerged very early on in our evolutionary history, to help us flee or defend ourselves quickly in situations of grave danger (say, predators sneaking up), where even seconds of deliberation could mean the difference between life and death. The frontal lobe—the seat of more sophisticated thinking like persuasive logic and loving affirmations —doesn’t do us much good when what we really need is a snap decision (and if you don’t believe me, try sweet-talking, threatening or cajoling a shark sometime). As soon as you see or sense a danger the aymgdala lights up—and the frontal lobe, in turn, powers down—all of which leaves us poor couples at a distinct disadvantage: thinking clearly is not the amygdala’s strong suit. One of its main functions—and it’s somewhat singular-minded in its purpose—is to guarantee our survival; to help us fight tooth and nail, no matter what the cost, so we can live to fight another day.
And that’s just the problem: The last thing you want to do, when you really care about someone, is run away or lash out. Sadly, the more active your fight-or-flight state is, the more likely you are to do just that.
That's where self-care comes in.
By self-care, I mean anything that helps you reduce or manage a fight-or-flight response, powering down your amygdala and restoring your powers of higher thought. Almost as frequently as they mentioned the amygydala, speaker after speaker also mentioned yoga, meditation, aerobic exercise (like jogging and quick walks), and all its attendant benefits: increased endorphins (our bodies' natural opiates), which help us feel calmer (and happier); lower blood pressure, pulse, and respiration; reduced reactivity (loosely translated as edginess)—in short, all kinds of physiological changes that restore your ability to think.
So before you return to a difficult conversation or make a phone call in a panic, go for a run, meditate, or try diaphragmatic breathing. You’ll feel better and see solutions more easily—and you might not even need that difficult conversation anymore.
Rest assured: Self-care is one of the easiest ways to improve your relationship.
Want to read more? Check out www.drcraigmalkin.com For more content, including exclusive tips and insights, follow Romance Redux on facebook and twitter.
Disclaimer: As with an advice column, these suggestions should never take the place of consulting directly and formally with a professional about any of your concerns. If you’re in a great deal of distress, always schedule an appointment with a doctor, health care provider, or mental health professional, to help determine how best to proceed.
Reader Comments (2)
It's good to have validation for "me-time" as important for a relationship - sometimes I worry I will be seen as selfish for making time for myself to exercise etc. Thanks!!!
Enjoy the me time without guilt. Everyone benefits in the end, including your partner!